THE UNOFFICIAL ETONE WEB PAGE

This is the UNOFFICIAL Etone web page written only by students!

Well where do we start, oh yes we had better tell you something about the cesspit we call school. It was built in 1909 and was orginally a girls high school. Hang on a minute you don't want to know about all this crap, you want the low down on the teachers, the situations that the dirt (students) get into.(yes we are dirt, well thats what the teachers think we are!!!)

It is now time for the students to bite back after years of Dictatorist rule by adults who think they know best just because they have teaching degrees.
This page is designed to answer such questions as;

Which unstable people make school dinners? (And do they have taste buds???)
How does the one way system work?
Why don't Mr Cooper and Mrs Silk admit they are having a affair?
Why is Mr Buckel at the school? Just because he went on holiday to Germany makes him a modern language teacher? And whats the deal with his hair?
Is Mr Kingham really a monk?
What does Mrs Key really know about computers? (One of the great mysteries of the Universe!!!)
Is Miss Turner Dana International's twin sister???

And many, many more!!!

Lets start with a school time line.

1909 - the school is built (oh wuppy doo!!!)

1910 - The greatest maths teacher of all time, Mrs Walford, joins the school. (Lets Kiss her ass!!)

1911-(Boring year)

1912-(Nothing particularly interesting, oh Titanic sank!! Kate Winslet awsome totty
(nice tits too!!!)

1913-Mrs Clarke astounds scientists by becomming the world's first testosterone junkie.

1914-The great war begins (Miss Walford joins up, get the German Bastards Miss!!!)

1915-Communism rises in Russia, Facism rises in school.

1920-Women get the vote. It won't be long before our own womens lib campaigners get here.

1933-Adolf Buckel rises to power.

Hear Adolf Buckel's favourite words

1936-Adolf Buckel makes the first televised program. He says "you vill do your work kinder froline!!"

1937-Buckel's cupboard COMES online.

OI! NO!

1939-Adolf Buckel declaires war on the British Empire. Mrs Walford now a member of the teachers home guard against truant pupils is sent to Dunkirk to retrieve all of them naughty boys on holiday on the west coast of France.

1942-Mr Evans conducts secret experiments with his mate Albert on model boats in his home pond code named the Philadelpia experiments.

1943-The young Mr Macteer (now a member of the RAF) sets off to bomb Berlin. Did he get there? Who knows? Missing in action!!

1945-(August) After the annual teachers curry night Mrs Key drops an atomic bomb.(She was very close to Hiroshima, could she have? No not Mrs Key!!)

1973-Mr Macteer discovered In Ireland. It was later revealed that he forgot that Germany was to the East and he had flown west and bombed Dublin!! (Well it's a city, close for a Irishman) He was later shot down by the IRA as he had blown up the bomb they had just planted!!

1975-Bill Gates founds Microsoft, and goes on to conquer the world. (Come on!! What does he know that I don't)

1976-Mrs Smith becomes Master Chef of the year. The award is later taken off her as all judges come down with food poisoning.

1982-(September) One of the writers of this page was born!! (The hunk of them!!)

1982-(November) The other author is born (The better one).

1989-Berlin wall comes down (bloody Etone vandals).

1997-(Easter) The good reverent joins our blessed school.
(half a term later) We say goodbye to the reverent, we will miss the R.E. lessons. Farewell and we hope the curse of Etone will remain on you forever!! Say hello to satan for us miss, there's a good sport!

1998-World Land speed record broken by Miss Turner going for a fag. Speed recorded at mach 1.5 (about 950mph)

she was closely followed in second by the Italian team (Mr Genders) with a speed of mach 1.4 (920mph)In his Benson and Hedges sponsored loafers!!

1998-(Spring) Miss Turner wins Eurovision Song Contest for Israel, Viva La Diva!!

1998-(Winter) Told you, three lovely girls spoil themselves by campaining for sexual equality. Women might pilot planes one day, and wipe out 300+ people as they do so. However the speech was excellent although it was complete bollocks from our point of veiw they still deserve a round of applause.

1998-(December) Mr Macteer leaves the school to follow a career in international terrorism.

Hear what the students say when the teachers say that evil word;
HOMEWORK
What happens to students when they are punished at Etone, well apart from being submitted to three hours in Herr Buckel's cupboard, there is also the inquisition from spanish and french teacher Genders, he has to know everything. The thing is that you never know when the inqisition will happen.

Lets start with those wacko's who make us fill sick every lunch. After eating we don't just empty our stomach's but also our wallets and purses in the process.
I don't think that the canteen is at the 5 star standard at which it should be. I propose a standard or mark to be given to all school food. If it is safe and has some taste to it then by the price it should have a smillie face by it like this

. If it is bad then it should have a sad face by it

What does Mrs Grrrr know about computers?
SHE KNOWS NOTHING (compared to my superior intelect). We know this for certain because we have, on numerous occasions, seen her going into the cupboard when stuck, (usually with cut & paste,) to consult THE . . . JUNIOR ENCYCLOPEDIA OF PC'S. Shocked!! we weren't.

Another IT connected paradox is that all the teachers have a certificate saying they passed the Pentium Suite Induction Course run by Mrs Key. What surprised us was that even after taking this course there are still only a few teachers who are computer literate.

The working School?

(above) Uncle bucks looking for a Internet porn site!

(above) Two normal pupils (well as normal as can be expected, they are at Etone)! working?

Their identities have been protected due to national security reasons!!!

"help Uncle Buck's after us!!!"

Now for a little quiz!
1.)Who are the two teachers behind the paint?
2.)Who's lip stick is on Mr Coopers lips?
Send your answers to [email protected]

Thank you's!

To Mr X & Mr Z who's HTML expertise created this web page.

One of the author's mummy's for spell checking the page for us.

Our mate Paul for not grassing us up to computer guru Key.